If you are expecting me to always be fun, I’d probably just move along right now. I anticipate this post being on the heavy side. I have no reason to be secretive. This post isn’t an attempt to get attention, but I’m actually putting it out there because I’m sure there are many, many people in the same boat as me.
I have done some serious soul searching in the last few days. No, I take that back. I am always introspective–omphalosceptic, if you will. But I got a kick in the pants that has pushed me into overdrive. I have always, always been far to scared of… everything. And suddenly the alternative to doing all the things I’m scared of is scarier than actually doing them. So I’m giving myself the mac daddy of all challenges.
I really wanted to do a monthly challenge at least until August–one year after I started them. I still might, but I have come to realize that the monthly challenges were treating my symptoms and not my actual disease. I’m not actually speaking metaphorically here. I have been suffering from depression since 1995, nearly 2/3 of my life. I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember (since at least 5 years old). For 17+ years I have stubbornly fought therapy and even more stubbornly fought medication. And I’ve finally succumbed to the fact that I am really not as functioning as I’ve lead myself to believe.
I have my first appointment for June 8 where I assume I will be assessed and hopefully I can get started sooner than later on a road to managing my depression and anxiety. My goal is to pair medication with therapy, because I know there are certain behavioral aspects that therapy will help with. The medication, I hope, will help me feel stronger and less scared/anxious while I work through them.
I have also just sent my resume off to an employment agency–directly to a representative who comes highly recommended–so that I can push myself into a job that pays a living wage. I’m hoping with these two giant leaps that I can finally become a fully-functioning adult that I can actually be proud of. I know I’m a good person, but I also know that with the right help I can be an amazing person, and I’m kind of looking forward to meeting her.
I hope to be able to post incredible results here over the second half of this year. I’ve personally always had a good feeling about 2012, and now I have a great feeling about 2012. I know it’s going to be a battle. I know I’m going to get down about it and might feel discouraged. But I literally have no choice anymore but to plow forward. There is no turning back, because if I don’t push past this, then there simply is no point in life.*
*Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, and I would never kill myself. But really, the way I’ve been living is no way to live at all, and no one should suffer through it. If you are depressed, please don’t be a hero. Find help before you get to where I am.